Shattered innocence: Ripples of tragedy

I thought long and hard about what I was going to write about this unimaginable tragedy, and I almost had something written, but it was what I was thinking so I scrapped it. I then  actually wasn't going to write anything, but I have to. I wanted to write what I was feeling, and what I was feeling was truly a mix of indescribable feelings that we all felt. But what I was feeling, looking at the faces of the children slain was tremendous sadness, but also intense anger. And here is why:

When I was between the ages of 5 ad 10, two weeks before Christmas, there was only one thing on my mind..Santa, and just what fun I was going to have Christmas day opening the things that I looked forward to getting. There was a knot in my stomach, as each day brought Christmas closer and closer, until I couldn't even sleep five days before the big event, because I wanted to play with new things, that in my day needed building, like model dinosaurs, or robots, or games that needed to be played with, or new books to read. whatever it was, it was new, and as far as I was concerned, the jolly man in the red suit had something to do with me getting them. I loved the Christmas time of the year, and yes, back then I even loved snow because it added to the whole magical experience of what Christmas was all about. Everyone seemed happier, more loving, and of course as far as my own behavior, I was determined to be as good as possible, so Santa didn't pass me over. It was an innocent time, and looking back on it now, it still makes me laugh, because no matter how grown up I become, or intense my thoughts are as an adult, I can't forget how I felt on those Christmas Eve nights of going to bed at 7:30 so that Santa could see how good I was. And awaking sometimes around midnight thinking that I heard something on the roof. The outside world didn't matter to me. Countries fighting, people getting killed or hurt, bad people walking around..It all didn't matter because I knew that I was going to get toys on December 25th. And when that day came, it was glorious. I think all of us as adults remember those days, and recall not thinking of anything else except what was going to be under that tree when we got up. I thank the universe for those days and the ability to have that innocence. And that is what seems to be bothering me the most about the tragic events at Sandy hook elementary school. Those children who survived, will never have what I had.

What I had was a time of year associated with joy, friendship, love, and laughter. I was bothered all weekend, and am still bothered in the pit of my stomach of just how much innocence was shattered. A child sees through eyes of wonder, and children don't relay or articulate everything that bothers them, because they can't just yet. They can't process it with thought. It comes out in other ways. That pertains particularly to painful and traumatic experiences that are associated with time. All of the innocent children in that school were thinking collectively about one thing..Christmas, and Santa. That's it.  I am sure that they were excited, revved up, and couldn't sleep some nights thinking of just how much fun this time of the year is, and many were at the age where they could understand just how fun it was going to be. To not only snatch the life of innocent children and their wonderful teachers, but to snatch the innocence of those children who survived and endured is really the most hurtful thing that I can think of happening here in America in my lifetime.

Although I am hurt, and shocked, and somehow in a daze as the rest of the world is, this focus is not about me. It is not about someone's agenda on gun control, and it certainly isn't about the person that committed the heinous crime, nor about the idiotic copy cats who look for opportunities to garner themselves attention. It is about the collective innocence in that day that was lost forever, and how those children will never despite counseling, despite wonderful love of parents and community, and despite the fact that many weren't in the immediate vicinity, this time of the year for them holds something sinister in their minds that they won't be able to articulate, and process for some time.These are the ripples of tragedy. Many children will have a hard time sleeping, will have a hard time going back to school, and even functioning in school. All because that sense of wonder has turned into a sense of fear. They will possibly feel in danger all of the time, and somewhere in their subconscious Christmas will be a time to be afraid.  That really bothers me, and as this unfolds, it will bother me even more.

I don't have children, and there are times when I think that could be my only life's regret. I would have possibly loved to have seen the world again the way I used to know it through the eyes of an offspring. I would have possibly loved to see a miniature version of pieces of myself develop and become a person of their own. I sympathize with the parents who have to explain this tragedy, and who have to reassure their children that they are safe, even though they as parents don't really believe it themselves.It is a cruel world out there more full of people who are unstable than we would like to believe.We have as adults have seen some heinous things reported on the news, and shake our heads at how certain things can happen. we have become hardened in a society that seems to push the envelope as far as what we can take seeing or hearing about. But no one was ready for  something like this. A new threshold was crossed, and it dragged everyone over the line kicking screaming, and crying. The only thing I can recall in my lifetime that felt like this was September 11th 2001.

I write this Blog not only to express my concern for these young children, but also for me, because writing is cathartic for me. I could not help but feel pain, sadness and anger just like everyone else, but when I remembered just what it was like for me at their age, it was like a knife in my gut. Children are gone. The ones that were killed have been cheated out of life, but the ones that are still here have been robbed of the inner thing that makes  children what they are.Someone's room is empty, and to many parents also nothing will be the same whether it is this time of the year or not. The smile, the laughter, the curiosity, and love of someone's child has been silenced. The innocence of those left was shattered, and nothing is really going to bring that back. And that should sit in the pit of all of our stomachs. I really don't know how some people that this has happened to will get back to normalcy, and I suspect that for many it will not ever happen.

With 9/11, the saying is "Never forget". We should include the day of December 14th 2012 as part of the days to never forget. Because there are many little people who don't understand, that don't have a choice. They will never forget. And besides the tragic event itself, that is what upsets and angers me the most.