In the TV movie"The Tuskegee Airmen" the story of the all black fighting squad who excelled in World War II, as the men were lined up in civilian clothes in orientation before Boot camp, they heard two speeches as they stood in line formation. One from the colonel who was the commanding officer of the program, and the Major who was director of training. Both men were white. The Colonel's speech was very encouraging, and stated that the program to training these "Colored" men would be fair, and that he was confident that with hard work these men would succeed, even though the odds were stacked against them in some people's eyes. The Major's speech was a very different tone. He asked a man in line why he wanted to join the Air Corps. The man's response was "To serve my country". The Major sneered, and his response was " Are you stupid? You people... This ain't your country boy. Your country is full of apes, and gorillas, and Malaria." Racism at its finest. But that response is very pertinent to what this Blog is about because however directly insulting that response was, there even today are subtle versions of that in all forms, that require dissecting if we are ever going to have a society where people are judged fairly, and looked upon without "The language of other."
The foundation for any type of racism, bigotry, or dismissal of individuals in most forms is that language. And the language doesn't have to be a verbal response, it can be a thought process. It is so easy to dismiss people when you have reduced them to a stereotype, or an idea that they don't have feelings like you do, or that they are from some other place geographically, mentally, physically or spiritually that you not only are not from, but would never venture to go. To take the empathy out of dealing with human beings is to reduce them to some alien, or some strange foreign animal that you can't relate to. Therefore it makes it very easy for one to say whatever they choose, without the guilt that you are actually an insulting insensitive person. The mental gymnastics that occurs says. "How can I care, or treat them with respect, when they are evil, and not like me who is good?" This is the twisted way of thinking that creates "The language of other" to the extent that it creates an elevation of ones self above who you are vilifying which then allows you to call names, and be completely unabashed with your condemnation of how "These people" think, feel, live, and come to their perspectives. And I am talking regular folks, not criminals, not bad people, but just "people" within a group, or a segment of folks that in the mind of the language are unworthy of treatment of respect or at least cordial exchange.
The language is a manipulation tactic used in politics, religion, twisted forms of patriotism, racism, and even children's playgrounds where some learn this language early in life.Example: (So and so is fat, so we don't like him/her, and shall treat him/her different) Kids don't stand a chance when they see and catch adults doing it. Turning people into objects to be feared and hated is easier for some than it is to understand or even get to know their neighbor and be empathetic. The language is used primarily to create scapegoat-ism and have someone else take the blame for misfortunes, or to just justify a personal dislike for both individuals or groups of individuals. To dislike or even say unjustifiable things about people you don't know requires justification, or else the perpetrator of those feelings, and language are just seen as ignorant and uneducated (Which those who are smart enough will see as true anyway), but the mental gymnastics done by the person using the language justifies them in their mind. "You should be afraid of them. They are not like you and me" is the inference that is needed to sustain this line of thinking and this language, and it is done way too often in full view of people who refuse to acknowledge it. This language is covert and coded, yet overt at the same time. It permeates the subconscious of those gullible enough to fall for it, or afraid enough to feel that they have no choice but to take some imaginary side for their own well being, and safety. It is definitely fear based, because fear is a visceral feeling that often overrules logic, and rational thinking. When one is afraid, there is the urge to clutch onto a limb. And that limb is usually "The language of other, because what makes one afraid but the unknown. And often other people are unknown, so the fear and xenophobia come smack dab in the middle of rational collective thinking.
In order for us as human beings to respect one another, and take the society that we most of us want, we need to obliterate this language, and call it out whenever it rears its head. It is prominent and more subtle now because it has become unfavorable to use blatant language when demonizing people. That is why it is covert and often accepted as non existent. Being a fan of words, phrases, and how people talk, and have talked in the past, I recognize this language immediately, and I am well aware of what damage it does in the minds of people. The primary engine of racism in this country as well as oppression in different countries is this language. And the reason that people can't seem to come together is because this language keeps us apart from one another in fear and anger that someone is doing something to us to ruin our well being. What really ruins our well being is the inability to speak the language of "together." Which we all over the world are as humans.
I personally am sick and tired of "The language of other" because every time it looks as though people may come together in friendship, someone speaks that language, and others follow. And all of a sudden a fellow human being isn't a fellow human being, they are "Those people". I see this language and hear it not because I look for it, but because it is there like some ugly lump in the rug that everyone seems to walk by as if not noticing. Those Black people, those White people, those overweight people, the immigrants, those Muslims, Those Liberals, those Conservatives, those rich, those poor..Etc. Throughout history, human beings have decided to distance themselves from fellow human beings by using the language of other. All fearing one another and one group blaming some other group in some idiotic fashion instead of understanding one another, and helping each other, and coming together to fight our common enemy, which is ignorance. Human beings' worst threat is their own stupidity. And you would think that in this day and age it would be eradicated, but I have found out that stupidity and ignorance now have even more traction than productive thinking because you can reach more people with fear than with logic.
Someday maybe in a distant future far from here, people will eliminate that language, and deal with each other on some level of sophistication that requires interaction and rejection of coded justification. But until then, we must suffer through, call out, expose and reject the language that keeps us apart blaming and hating one another...
"The language of other."
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
The Matriarch: A tribute
For my Grandmother's funeral a few family members decided that they wanted to say a few words in her remembrance. I decided that I wanted to also. I decided that I would not write anything down, because I did not want something rehearsed or stiff. I wanted to say what I felt at the moment, but I at least decided to pick one word to draw from, and that word was "Matriarch". My Grandmother was an amazing matriarch, and I wanted to say some of just what makes matriarchs and her in particular so special. I can't remember everything I said, but I remember some of it, and now will write it down and elaborate the way I would have, if I allowed myself to.
When you look up the word "Matriarch in the dictionary, the word means "A woman who rules or dominates a family", or "A mother who is head and ruler of her family and descendants". Many women are mothers, and very good ones at that. But it takes a special individual to be a matriarch. That person has to have the instincts of nurturing, the aura of knowledge and wisdom, and the patience to be the mother of more than just her immediate offspring. It takes years to fortify this role. Years of being where you are needed, solving crisis after crisis, and being the mother within the family circle that everyone looks up to, can trust, and feels safety from. Not just those fuzzy feelings are important, but the ones of authority, and identification of being a disciplinarian have to exude from a matriarch. True matriarchs don't have to work at having these things. They just do. Those qualities are crystal clear and sometimes very powerful, as most people under them defer, and often seek out the shelter, comfort, and yes discipline of that person who can give them advice, solace, and unfiltered sound common sense. The hardest thing for Matriarchs to do is negotiate not stepping on the toes of actual mothers of children other than her own, but so strong is their presence that even those mothers stand out of the way, and sometimes often even send their own children to the matriarch when they don't know what to do or say.
My Grandmother was an extraordinary woman wise well beyond her education, and she was a shrewd observer of people. She understood more about human nature, and what people might do or say, than most psychologists, but her gift was her ability to exude a motherly figure to anybody from any walk of life, let alone her own family. She was fearless in her ability to say exactly what was on her mind, in such a manner that people did not feel threatened, and her willingness to talk about any subject was admirable. She just understood that life is for living, and there is no subject that someone should hold themselves from discussing, because information is important, and how you obtain that information is even more important. She talked about sex, religion, the incredible history of her family, relationships, and anything that needed to be discussed she wouldn't shy away from. She once told me that she has always slept well at night because she doesn't bite her tongue, which of course meant telling people things that they didn't necessarily want to hear. I can remember relatives, or other folks leaving in a huff, or overhearing people suggesting that she shouldn't talk like this or that. But in the end, they always came back to the house because somewhere along the line they found out that what she was telling them was correct, and they were usually good after that because they trusted her from then on with any other advice. That is what matriarchs do. They rule not by threats, or by power, or money. They rule by love, and honesty, and trust. She was feisty, forthright, and sometimes brutal, but it was never done mean spirited. You always knew that at the core of what she was saying was love, and your best interests. People felt comfortable telling her the most intimate details of their lives and thoughts, and she didn't judge, she listened. I asked her once if she ever got tired of people calling on her, and being the mother to everyone, and she immediately said, "No it's just what I do. I don't mind at all."
White, Black, old, young, it didn't matter. There were people that needed my grandmother, and went to her, or called her for whatever reason that they needed to talk. She was extraordinary in her dealings with people, and didn't have a blueprint. She just reacted to however their temperament was, and how they as an individual acted and saw things, and adjusted herself from there. She was one of 9 children, and had to care for her sick mother when she was a child, cleaning her cancer sores and changing her bandages, and cooking for the family, and fighting, yes physically fighting boys and girls bigger than her who would mess with her siblings. She had a tremendous sense of family, and was at the bedside of many siblings that died, and assisted the midwife at the birth of many people in the family including myself. She could cook incredible food, she had a wonderful sense of humor, and was always encouraging in every way possible. I once asked my Grandfather to help me fix something and she interrupted by saying, "Why don't you ask me? I can do anything your Grandaddy can do!" And it was true. When my mother needed to go to work to make money, my Grandmother immediately said, "Go ahead..I'll raise Melvin". And that she did. When I wanted to be a musician, she said, "Ok, but do it, and don't mess around."
The lessons that I learned from this woman were invaluable lessons that one could never ever learn in a school. Her nurturing, discipline, wisdom, how her and my Grandfather treated one another as a couple, provided me with more of a solid foundation than I could have ever hoped for. These were people of integrity, honesty, loving, and dignified personalities, who came from nothing, and valued everything that they worked for. They wasted nothing, and never ever bought things just to have them. My love of reading came from my Grandmother's insistence of putting every book she could find in front of my nose. Not just "Cat In The Hat", but complex things like writings by Winston Churchill, and National Geographic were presented to me to read and digest, and she provided me with a dictionary to look up any word that I didn't know. I feel completely blessed not in a religious sense, but in a spiritual sense to have been reared by this extraordinary matriarch, and my incredibly wise Grandfather. I could not have asked for a better upbringing.
It broke my heart when my Grandmother died, not only because I wasn't able to get there in time, but because I feel like the roots and best part of what defines me is no longer here. When going in that house recently my first instinct was to go into my Grandmother's room and say, "Hey Honey, I'm here!" It is a terrible feeling when you lose someone you love so deeply, and who has been such an integral part of your life for so long. My Grandfather was married to her for 55 years, which is longer than I have been alive so he is having an even rougher time. But I know that my Grandmother would want me to be strong, and continue to do the very best of whatever it is that I want to do. And that is just what I will do, because she did not believe in doing anything half assed. Strangely I feel very strong now, and want to make her proud of me, so I am even more focused than ever before. She would want me to continue my efforts to be the best I could be, and look after my Grandaddy, because without those two, I shudder to think at who I would have become, or what my character would have been.
I wish that all who read this could have known my Grandmother, and talked to her. I believe that all who did were left with something better than when they arrived. Like or not what she said, or how she said it, this family of mine was blessed with this amazing person, who loved, who laughed, who spoke the truth, and who made everyone feel like they were one of her children.
And that my friends is what a matriarch's main job is...To make you say to yourself, "I could easily call this person Mother."
And that is what Honey did best. I will never forget my Grandmother..."The Matriarch".
When you look up the word "Matriarch in the dictionary, the word means "A woman who rules or dominates a family", or "A mother who is head and ruler of her family and descendants". Many women are mothers, and very good ones at that. But it takes a special individual to be a matriarch. That person has to have the instincts of nurturing, the aura of knowledge and wisdom, and the patience to be the mother of more than just her immediate offspring. It takes years to fortify this role. Years of being where you are needed, solving crisis after crisis, and being the mother within the family circle that everyone looks up to, can trust, and feels safety from. Not just those fuzzy feelings are important, but the ones of authority, and identification of being a disciplinarian have to exude from a matriarch. True matriarchs don't have to work at having these things. They just do. Those qualities are crystal clear and sometimes very powerful, as most people under them defer, and often seek out the shelter, comfort, and yes discipline of that person who can give them advice, solace, and unfiltered sound common sense. The hardest thing for Matriarchs to do is negotiate not stepping on the toes of actual mothers of children other than her own, but so strong is their presence that even those mothers stand out of the way, and sometimes often even send their own children to the matriarch when they don't know what to do or say.
My Grandmother was an extraordinary woman wise well beyond her education, and she was a shrewd observer of people. She understood more about human nature, and what people might do or say, than most psychologists, but her gift was her ability to exude a motherly figure to anybody from any walk of life, let alone her own family. She was fearless in her ability to say exactly what was on her mind, in such a manner that people did not feel threatened, and her willingness to talk about any subject was admirable. She just understood that life is for living, and there is no subject that someone should hold themselves from discussing, because information is important, and how you obtain that information is even more important. She talked about sex, religion, the incredible history of her family, relationships, and anything that needed to be discussed she wouldn't shy away from. She once told me that she has always slept well at night because she doesn't bite her tongue, which of course meant telling people things that they didn't necessarily want to hear. I can remember relatives, or other folks leaving in a huff, or overhearing people suggesting that she shouldn't talk like this or that. But in the end, they always came back to the house because somewhere along the line they found out that what she was telling them was correct, and they were usually good after that because they trusted her from then on with any other advice. That is what matriarchs do. They rule not by threats, or by power, or money. They rule by love, and honesty, and trust. She was feisty, forthright, and sometimes brutal, but it was never done mean spirited. You always knew that at the core of what she was saying was love, and your best interests. People felt comfortable telling her the most intimate details of their lives and thoughts, and she didn't judge, she listened. I asked her once if she ever got tired of people calling on her, and being the mother to everyone, and she immediately said, "No it's just what I do. I don't mind at all."
White, Black, old, young, it didn't matter. There were people that needed my grandmother, and went to her, or called her for whatever reason that they needed to talk. She was extraordinary in her dealings with people, and didn't have a blueprint. She just reacted to however their temperament was, and how they as an individual acted and saw things, and adjusted herself from there. She was one of 9 children, and had to care for her sick mother when she was a child, cleaning her cancer sores and changing her bandages, and cooking for the family, and fighting, yes physically fighting boys and girls bigger than her who would mess with her siblings. She had a tremendous sense of family, and was at the bedside of many siblings that died, and assisted the midwife at the birth of many people in the family including myself. She could cook incredible food, she had a wonderful sense of humor, and was always encouraging in every way possible. I once asked my Grandfather to help me fix something and she interrupted by saying, "Why don't you ask me? I can do anything your Grandaddy can do!" And it was true. When my mother needed to go to work to make money, my Grandmother immediately said, "Go ahead..I'll raise Melvin". And that she did. When I wanted to be a musician, she said, "Ok, but do it, and don't mess around."
The lessons that I learned from this woman were invaluable lessons that one could never ever learn in a school. Her nurturing, discipline, wisdom, how her and my Grandfather treated one another as a couple, provided me with more of a solid foundation than I could have ever hoped for. These were people of integrity, honesty, loving, and dignified personalities, who came from nothing, and valued everything that they worked for. They wasted nothing, and never ever bought things just to have them. My love of reading came from my Grandmother's insistence of putting every book she could find in front of my nose. Not just "Cat In The Hat", but complex things like writings by Winston Churchill, and National Geographic were presented to me to read and digest, and she provided me with a dictionary to look up any word that I didn't know. I feel completely blessed not in a religious sense, but in a spiritual sense to have been reared by this extraordinary matriarch, and my incredibly wise Grandfather. I could not have asked for a better upbringing.
It broke my heart when my Grandmother died, not only because I wasn't able to get there in time, but because I feel like the roots and best part of what defines me is no longer here. When going in that house recently my first instinct was to go into my Grandmother's room and say, "Hey Honey, I'm here!" It is a terrible feeling when you lose someone you love so deeply, and who has been such an integral part of your life for so long. My Grandfather was married to her for 55 years, which is longer than I have been alive so he is having an even rougher time. But I know that my Grandmother would want me to be strong, and continue to do the very best of whatever it is that I want to do. And that is just what I will do, because she did not believe in doing anything half assed. Strangely I feel very strong now, and want to make her proud of me, so I am even more focused than ever before. She would want me to continue my efforts to be the best I could be, and look after my Grandaddy, because without those two, I shudder to think at who I would have become, or what my character would have been.
I wish that all who read this could have known my Grandmother, and talked to her. I believe that all who did were left with something better than when they arrived. Like or not what she said, or how she said it, this family of mine was blessed with this amazing person, who loved, who laughed, who spoke the truth, and who made everyone feel like they were one of her children.
And that my friends is what a matriarch's main job is...To make you say to yourself, "I could easily call this person Mother."
And that is what Honey did best. I will never forget my Grandmother..."The Matriarch".
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