The Matriarch: A tribute

For my Grandmother's funeral a few family members decided that they wanted to say a few words in her remembrance. I decided that I wanted to also. I decided that I would not write anything down, because I did not want something rehearsed or stiff. I wanted to say what I felt at the moment, but I at least decided to pick one word to draw from, and that word was "Matriarch". My Grandmother was an amazing matriarch, and I wanted to say some of just what makes matriarchs and her in particular so special. I can't remember everything I said, but I remember some of it, and now will write it down and elaborate the way I would have, if I allowed myself to.

When you look up the word "Matriarch in the dictionary, the word means "A woman who rules or dominates a family", or "A mother who is head and ruler of her family and descendants". Many women are mothers, and very good ones at that. But it takes a special individual to be a matriarch. That person has to have the instincts of nurturing, the aura of knowledge and wisdom, and the patience to be the mother of more than just her immediate offspring. It takes years to fortify this role. Years of being where you are needed, solving crisis after crisis, and being the mother within the family circle that everyone looks up to, can trust, and feels safety from. Not just those fuzzy feelings are important, but the ones of authority, and identification of being a disciplinarian have to exude from a matriarch. True matriarchs don't have to work at having these things. They just do. Those qualities are crystal clear and sometimes very powerful, as most people under them defer, and often seek out the shelter, comfort, and yes discipline of that person who can give them advice, solace, and unfiltered sound common sense. The hardest thing for Matriarchs to do is negotiate not stepping on the toes of actual mothers of children other than her own, but so strong is their presence that even those mothers stand out of the way,  and sometimes often even send their own children to the matriarch when they don't know what to do or say.

My Grandmother was an extraordinary woman wise well beyond her education, and she was a shrewd observer of people. She understood more about human nature, and what people might do or say, than most psychologists, but her gift was her ability to exude a motherly figure to anybody from any walk of life, let alone her own family. She was fearless in her ability to say exactly what was on her mind, in such a manner that people did not feel threatened, and her willingness to talk about any subject was admirable. She just understood that life is for living, and there is no subject that someone should hold themselves from discussing, because information is important, and how you obtain that information is even more important. She talked about sex, religion, the incredible history of her family, relationships, and anything that needed to be discussed she wouldn't shy away from. She once told me that she has always slept well at night because she doesn't bite her tongue, which of course meant telling people things that they didn't necessarily want to hear. I can remember relatives, or other folks leaving in a huff, or overhearing people suggesting that she shouldn't talk like this or that. But in the end, they always came back to the house because somewhere along the line they found out that what she was telling them was correct, and they were usually good after that because they trusted her from then on with any other advice. That is what matriarchs do. They rule not by threats, or by power, or money. They rule by love, and honesty, and trust. She was feisty, forthright, and sometimes brutal, but it was never done mean spirited. You always knew that at the core of what she was saying was love, and your best interests. People felt comfortable telling her the most intimate details of their lives and thoughts, and she didn't judge, she listened. I asked her once if she ever got tired of people calling on her, and being the mother to everyone, and she immediately said, "No it's just what I do. I don't mind at all."

White, Black, old, young, it didn't matter. There were people that needed my grandmother, and went to her, or called her for whatever reason that they needed to talk. She was extraordinary in her dealings with people, and didn't have a blueprint. She just reacted to however their temperament was, and how they as an individual acted and saw things, and adjusted herself from there. She was one of 9 children, and had to care for her sick mother when she was a child, cleaning her cancer sores and changing her bandages, and cooking for the family, and fighting, yes  physically fighting boys and girls bigger than her who would  mess with her siblings. She had a tremendous sense of family, and was at the bedside of many siblings that died, and assisted the midwife at the birth of many people in the family including myself. She could cook incredible food, she had a wonderful sense of humor, and was always encouraging in every way possible. I once asked my Grandfather to help me fix something and she interrupted by saying, "Why don't you ask me? I can do anything your Grandaddy can do!" And it was true. When my mother needed to go to work to make money, my Grandmother immediately said, "Go ahead..I'll raise Melvin". And that she did. When I wanted to be a musician, she said, "Ok, but do it, and don't mess around."

The lessons that I learned from this woman were invaluable lessons that one could never ever learn in a school. Her nurturing, discipline, wisdom, how her and my Grandfather treated one another as a couple, provided me with more of a solid foundation than I could have ever hoped for. These were people of integrity, honesty, loving, and dignified personalities, who came from nothing, and valued everything that they worked for. They wasted nothing, and never ever bought things just to have them. My love of reading came from my Grandmother's insistence of putting every book she could find in front of my nose. Not just "Cat In The Hat", but complex things like writings by Winston Churchill, and National Geographic were presented to me to read and digest, and she provided me with a dictionary to look up any word that I didn't know. I feel completely blessed not in a religious sense, but in a spiritual sense to have been reared by this extraordinary matriarch, and my incredibly wise Grandfather. I could not have asked for a better upbringing.

It broke my heart when my Grandmother died, not only because I wasn't able to get there in time, but because I feel like the roots and best part of what defines me is no longer here. When going in that house recently my first instinct was to go into my Grandmother's room and say, "Hey Honey, I'm here!" It is a terrible feeling when you lose someone you love so deeply, and who has been such an integral part of your life for so long. My Grandfather was married to her for 55 years, which is longer than I have been alive so he is having an even rougher time. But I know that my Grandmother would want me to be strong, and continue to do the very best of whatever it is that I want to do. And that is just what I will do, because she did not believe in doing anything half assed.  Strangely I feel very strong now, and want to make her proud of me, so I am even more focused than ever before. She would want me to continue my efforts to be the best I could be, and look after my Grandaddy, because without those two, I shudder to think at who I would have become, or what my character would have been.

I wish that all who read this could have known my Grandmother, and talked to her. I believe that all who did were left with something better than when they arrived. Like or not what she said, or how she said it, this family of mine was blessed with this amazing person, who loved, who laughed, who spoke the truth, and who made everyone feel like they were one of her children.
And that my friends is what a matriarch's main job is...To make you say to yourself, "I could easily call this person Mother."
And that is what Honey did best. I will never forget my Grandmother..."The Matriarch".