Even as a child, I have believed in the power of the universe. I had rejected the notion of man's organized religion initiative, because of what it was attached to. Ideology, money, control, and justifications of wars, holy and unholy. The notion that a God would want all of those things attached to spirituality baffled me, and although I grew up in a baptist household and family, I started to carve out my own path of belief. I chose what I call "The belief of the universe mission", which is a fancy way of saying that a higher power does exist, and shuffles the cards in the deck, but the conduit has no man made connotations to it. The conduit is the world and people around ones self , and I have believed that if you just pay attention, the universe will in fact send you signs and messages, and puts you in places for a reason. I am all about that aspect of a higher power playing the shell game in our lives, and that even in misfortunes, the universe must be up to something greater in the spider web of our time and space as occupied here on earth.
I have always considered myself as just me. Not special at all. Just a man here on earth who wants to leave good ripples wherever he goes. That is very important to me and always has been even as a child. To leave my corner of this place better than when I found it has always been what I considered my universe mission. I have been called special before, but reject the term constantly. Some people want to be famous. Others want to be rich, and still others just want to be left alone. I have always been one to want to spread something that will last, whether it be art, music, or making a difference in others' lives. I try to be as good a person as possible not for some promise of going to heaven, but because it's the right thing to do. And I believe that heaven is right here on earth, so why wait for some bigger advancement to somewhere to do something that is important for someone?
I never really thought more of my "Universe Mission' until yesterday. Yesterday, I had a major epiphany that was unforeseen by me. I have been very fortunate as far as my own well being in life with an exception of some major unresolved issues that sometimes still need ironing. But for the most part, I believe that I have a good head on my shoulders, and am in great physical shape for my 51 years here on earth.
I had long ago resolved myself to the fact that I would die alone, and that love is just not in the cards for me anymore. But a funny thing happened. The universe did me a solid, and then turned around and knifed me in the back. How can those two things happen you ask? The funny thing is that they have happened to me constantly throughout my life. The universe sent an amazing wonderful woman into my life. One who is definitely from the same universe stream as I. Someone as intelligent and spiritual, kind and talented as I could imagine. In fact if someone were to ask me(and they have) what my ideal woman would be, then some secretary in the cosmos would have popped her out of some imaginary universe Rolodex. I fell in love with her, and deeply. I would do anything for her, and finally was able to take some bricks down off of this wall I have been holding up around my heart. Why one may ask? The heart doesn't ask why. The head does. And for some reason I was able to finally separate the two, and feel again. She has been the only one able to do that in years, because other women have been quite unsuccessful. And how good it felt to feel. But here's where the universe in my opinion pulls the rug from under me, and here's where my epiphany about myself began last night.
In my life, when it came to women, I have always been a person who has somehow came in at the right time of a woman's life to give them something that they desperately need, or to light the way towards something that their life's mission has in store. And the times that this has happened, I was not destined to be in the future plans. It is if my Universe Mission is to help these wonderful women start the process of finding themselves, or some aspect in life that is essential to them and THEIR universe mission. This is a very painful revelation for me, because this circumstance is no different. It seems that there is a reason that I came into this particular woman's life, and have helped her to start a process of self journey that at least for right now doesn't include me being in the capacity as a lover and partner, but as a friend. This is obviously a painful kick in the groin by the universe, but the strange thing is that I believe that this has to happen this way for her, and support her decision 100%. I love this woman so much, that I am more than willing to take a back seat in her life, and be there in any capacity that she wants. What she has given me was the ability to realize again my own capacity to love someone more than my own selfish desires of what I want.
It took me a long time to understand this quote but it is definitely true:If you love someone, set them free. It they are truly meant to be with you, they will come back. Will she? I really don't know the answer to that, but I am her friend and consider myself her biggest ally, and am there for her at any point she needs me. If she has fulfilled her particular journey, and would like to possibly revisit the idea of an "us" then we can meet at the middle and talk. But for now, if my universe mission was to help her to get better, then I accept that, and am rather proud of it, even if it hurts now. I won't be a hypocrite. If I truly am a person who wants to leave something better than when I found it, then that has to pertain to curtailing my wishes and desires, even if the universe occasionally breaks my heart.
I have figured out that this is the burden I carry with me. The gift that my Grandmother may have given me. It really isn't a choice. I am not an asshole, and could never be if I tried. I care too much about humanity in general, and people that touch my soul in particular. My ability to come into lives and change them somehow for the better is a noble one, but hard to accept sometimes. I am still wrestling with that aspect, because having this epiphany, it does leave me closed off now to receive love out of fear, which is where I started when this began. So as I have said before, maybe my universe mission does not have me destined for love ever in my life again. But if I am helping someone become better than before I came into their lives, does it really matter?
only the universe knows.
