50: The Crossroads With More Roads To Cross

I am now at the age of 50.
When I was a much younger man, the people who were around the age of 50 seemed so far off to me. Not necessarily age-wise, but  even though I have from an early age considered myself an old soul and had such an easy time talking to people much older than me as a youth, they still seemed different, and untouchable. I could never put my finger on it. Now that I reached the age of 50, I know the reason completely. When you reach 50, you ARE to an extent different and untouchable.
By the time one reaches 40 years old, there should be a nice cachet of experience to draw from. At 40, your methodology of gathering information, and processing it should be honed, and fully operational to the extent where you can make an informed decision about certain things based upon the combination of experience and knowledge. Before 40, the ratio is different. You have educated guesses, assumptions, and are still practically new into the realm of your own self sufficient world, and should be thinking clearly gathering information as you experience things. I am not saying at 50 one stops these exercises, but at that age, you have a wider variety of sources to pull from. 50 sets up the next stage of life because now you hopefully understand yourself, know what you fully want in life, and are self aware enough to understand what you don't want. 50 is the culmination of the previous age brackets, and everything learned in those previous brackets can be used to your full advantage. It should be a highly appreciated event. Yet for some reason, many people fear 50, and I believe it is for a variety of things with two main reasons at the head: Vanity, and mortality.

With all the wisdom and life experience that comes with 50, there are the two things that seem to unnerve people the most about growing older. Vanity takes hold of many around this time because we all remember just how we felt in that 18-35 bracket. Our bodies were youthful and taut, we had lots of energy, with full lips with thick eyebrows and hair, and just an aura of sure footed strength and confidence that came from being youthful.  Men and women at that age are more likely if the choice presents itself to use brawn over brain, because we felt invincible and good enough to do such. For many at that age, there were no aches and pains, and we needed less sleep to do the things we needed the next day proving that age bracket as being the ultimate state of existence for some. When you ask someone  to give a time in their lives that  given the choice, they would go back to, many will choose their 30's. With the ability to see pictures of when one was in their 20's and 30's people start lamenting about the difference, and just what it takes now to not fall below their own physical standard of themselves. Weight gain, aches and pains, wrinkles, grey hair, and the other aspects of hitting this milestone affect a great many people who never thought about any of these dynamics when they were 30, and it can really get into their heads creating mid life crisis decisions, depression, and other life changes that they believe will somehow rejuvenate their mind, and body.

Mortality is the second fear factor for those on the way to 50. People at this age are now not immune to death on a regular basis. Almost everyone approaching this age knows someone or multiple people that have succumbed at was is perceived to be a relatively early age. At 30 you hardly know anyone at that age that has passed, but near 50 you are aware of, and have experienced relatives or friends pretty close to your age who have passed, and it is unnerving. It is as if 50 brings you to the hard faced reality that yes, this occupation of life as you know it isn't permanent. That is hard to face for many because society has told plenty of people where they should be in life, and what they should have at a certain point, and many feel that they are running out of time, to complete whatever it is that they have set their sites on, and acquire whatever it is that will make them comfortable for sunset. 50 usually in peoples minds means that they have probably 15 good years left for something if they are lucky, before they can't do what they want, the way they see themselves doing it. They look at the elderly around them, many who are ailing, on medication, have finished their working lives, and are trying to figure out their sunset years, and when you are 50 and afraid, you feel that is your situation right around the corner, and will be in your lap before you know it.
The combination of these two aspects of aging is overwhelming to many, and contribute to the (often non admitted) fear of growing older.
All of this is daunting, and I can understand how many get dragged down by it. I for one am perfectly fine turning 50. It is another birthday yes, but I do have to acknowledge the milestone. All of the positive that I described about turning this age I feel has been bestowed upon me. I feel everything that was so foreign to me about 50 year old folks when I was younger. I have experienced some very powerful things in life both joyous and tragic that have shaped just who I am and altered my thinking widening my pool of knowledge about life and myself. I must admit that while some of the tragedies and emotional hardships that were happening to me back then, I would have offered my right arm to make feeling what I felt go away. But now looking at it in hindsight, those times in my life led to the greatest emotional and psychological growth spurts I have ever had. It is absolutely true that quote by Nietzsche of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and if you let it, you will benefit greatly from the experience.
I know so much now, with so much more to learn and grow from, and I consider the growth aspect to be a lifelong pursuit, and my duty as a thinking feeling human being. Yes I am, and always have been an old soul of sorts,and being 50 accentuates all of those traits within me. Some of the things that I believe haven't changed because they are timeless lines of thought, while other things I have adjusted based upon any new found informed perception. But my core of who I am was instilled in my formative years by my Grandparents, and has only gotten more solid as I understand more of what they were trying to arm me with for my own future.

I guess I am not bothered by 50 as much as others because of that old soul inside myself. I follow no one, and I lead no one. I am my own person who is perfectly in harmony with myself. I have been married twice, and while I enjoyed being married when I was, I now enjoy being single and unmatched with someone and will quite probably remain so for the rest of my life. I have no desire to be a part of a couple story anymore, and I have no children to help guide, so I will probably die alone, and am perfectly ok with that. I am totally self sufficient emotionally, and do not need anyone to complete my happiness equation. I am happy beyond measure, inside, and by myself. I do not need plenty of money to survive, and do not desire to partake in the all devouring consumerism network of stuff to make me feel alive. I don't have many material things and I like it that way. My most personal gifts are the thoughts in my head, and the friends that I have intimate conversations with about life. This is probably why I don't have some "clock" ticking over my shoulder telling me that time is running out. I know that time moves on, and mine will eventually end. The only thing I wish to do in life is create more musical art as my footprint, so I will do that as much as possible, because it is what I love to do, but as for the urgency of what I am supposed to do, and accumulate before I die, I have no sense of that.
 I am grateful to reach this milestone because I have experienced the mortality aspect, with people my age or around my age dying tragically, and unexpectedly, at a more rapid rate than ever which if I live long enough will be even more frequent. But nothing shakes the foundation of your being more than someone being here one day, and then being gone another at an age fairly close to yours. I don't feel invincible anymore in that respect so I will take what I consider the gift of every day. I certainly am not as spry as I used to be, and grey has decided to replace some black hair in spots, but I have tried to maintain myself  in the gym out of enjoyment as part of my lifestyle, and out of sheer desire to not go up in clothes sizes.
I am proud of who I am at 50. Still passionate about whatever task I take on, not complacent about trying to learn from people and experiences, and I am always trying to search within myself and be introspective about discovering what lies deep in the inner workings of me, so I can interact and share something with people better and more intimately. I have not lost the desire to laugh at funny things subtle, and dirty, and I believe that laughing at my own self is essential to remain grounded. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be, and I accept all of the traits in myself that if someone else had, I would become tired of quickly, and I am fine with that as well. At 50 there is still a great deal that I want to discover, share,  experience, and make, but if my life ends soon, I am happy about what I have done so far, how I have lived, and what kind of positive stamp I have left with others. Society is always playing with ages to avoid the idea of aging. "50 is the new 40", "70 is the new 50" etc..I say that 50 is 50, and leave it as such. 50 is a good assessment point. The crossroads that one finds themselves once they look up, and can decide to lay low and wait for the sunset years, or pursue more roads to cross. I hope to see some of you at other roads. Bring on 60!
Peace.