Yesterday I sat and listened to a man talk about The arts, and just what people go through as being artists, and he used a very interesting analogy that I had never heard before. He stated that what all artists have, whether they be writers, musicians, painters, or sculptors is an inescapable piece of baggage that goes with them, and is part of them. It often isn't talked about, or flashed around like some wad of cash, or fancy ring. It is not visible, or can be detected by some survey, nor can it be swept aside and forgotten like junk mail. It is constantly present, and forceful, and is an aching burden upon all artistic minds. He called it "The 900 lb Gorilla in the room". And that gorilla is a bunch of things rolled into the artistic temperament. It is fire, desire, quest, ambition, focus, and a sheer powerful pull to do what is inside of them in the most raw, and unforgiving way possible. And I identify with everything that analogy stands for.
The Gorilla constantly needs feeding, or it will eat you itself. I can never turn off what I do, and I have sacrificed many things in order to feed my gorilla. And what I, and others who have artistic minds do is constantly be in the moment of somehow creating our art, even when we are not in a position to sit and create it. We think about it, we digest situations around us, and everything is a stimulus for what we do which is create, and apply. It is a constant on our minds even though we are in the moment of something else, we yearn for the moment where an idea, or epiphany of thought generates action to create. And when that happens, it is the most fulfilling sensation that we can ever feel because there is nothing better than the catalyst of thought being turned into something concrete, and part of ourselves. The gorilla is there present at all times, and often will take over and shield other aspects of our lives to be fed, and nourished. Anyone who creates, will understand and identify with what I'm trying to say. An artistic mind is quite different than the logical one of say a mathematician, or business executive. The artistic mind is constantly at war with itself and not logical problems that exist, or other people's minds. The war is creativity, and imagination of how it can operate outside the box and be different than others, and be even different than itself. Sometimes to play music, write songs, or even write this blog, I am constantly taking mental footnotes, and twisting them around in my head so that I can use them later, sometimes playing tricks in my mind in the middle of a conversation so that I can remember what I have thought without being rude and writing it down.
I have sometimes been called distant, and often people want to know just what I am thinking, but the honest truth is that I don't know how to explain it to them, because I sometimes can't explain it to myself. I am constantly processing and creating in my head, and feeding the gorilla, so that he doesn't destroy me. Because if the artistic mind cannot create, or tries to deny what it is meant to do, then the gorilla will turn on the owner, and literally drive that person crazy. Why I get up in the mornings is for my love of music, writing, and creation. If I could not do any of those, I would probably become miserable, withdrawn, and ultimately not desiring the other aspects of life itself. There was a point in my life where I tried to deny myself of what I do with the idea that I would just put everything away in my head, creatively, and musically, and just not have the desire anymore...That was very short lived as I was nearly depressed out of my mind, until my own gorilla saved me, and once I began to feed it, I became whole again.
It is a powerful aspect of us artistic minded folk that alienates some people, and draws others to us. And often as in the history of famous artists, musicians and writers, what they did sometimes made other things in their lives take a back seat. Things such as love, family, even in some extreme cases fresh air outside, have taken a secondary role to them feeding the gorilla. The pursuit of happiness is sometimes misguided as happiness may be right in front of them, but that is not the fulfillment that the gorilla wants. There is the balance if one can find it, but as this actor so accurately pointed out, it may never be enough.
I myself have an extreme desire to use my mind and gift that has been given to create something great. This has been my burden for as long as I can recall. It won't go away, and it is a heavy burden that I possess, because what is great? Great is subjective, and just because someone says something is great or bad doesn't necessarily make it so. The greatest novel in the world could possibly only sell 100 copies. The greatest song ever written could fall on deaf ears when heard. Great for the artistic mind is fulfillment. An inner peace of satisfaction that what came out of our minds was the best that we could possibly do has to be felt..And the sad thing is that even if we feel that, the opinion may change as we change. So it is true. It may never be enough, but we keep trying, and keep pushing for perfection within ourselves, and greatness of our souls, as we feed the 900 lb gorilla in the room of our minds. Artistic minded people are only humans who will eventually die like everyone else..But we want to create something...Anything that will help us to live forever. It is what we do, it is who we are, and it will either make us live, or help kill us, or both at the same time. I have to go now..I have just fed my gorilla, but he is hungry again...
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