In a Star Trek movie, Spock was relearning his education. And as he rattled off many questions of physics, mathematics, philosophy, art, and poetry, the computer asked him a simple question.."How do you feel?" He didn't understand the question, and Spock's mother who was human tried to explain that it was an easy question to answer, and that he should be able to answer it. He couldn't still.
A few people have told me that they liked my blogs, but that my Blogs are sometimes a little too cerebral. Looking back on some of them, I would have to say that I agree to an extent. When I set out to do these Blogs, it was a way to write about what I observed and thought about people and the world around me. I made the conscious effort to get away from feelings, and just state things, but maybe I went a little too far, and took most of my heart out of the picture. I save my feelings for writing songs, and whatever I have done in journals, but I should possibly consider inserting bits of my heart into the picture. Putting feelings out there for consumption is always a hard thing to do for anyone let alone myself, because feelings are Sometimes open windows that you are undressing on front of, and not many are fond of that type of exposure. That said, there have been times during writing these that I have wanted to perhaps convey my feelings of a matter instead of my thoughts and have rejected it because I have thought feelings in the matter irrelevant.
People that really know me and have for years, are aware that I have strong feelings no matter which way it is. If I am happy, then it is obvious. If I am upset, or angry, I feel it very strongly although it takes awhile to break through because I know as everyone else does that negative feelings mean negative actions. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and many folks have seen many dirty sleeves. I have known and experienced some really great things in life, and I have experienced sadness that I would never want anyone to experience, although looking back on those episodes of sadness, I never would be the person I am today without them. I have thought that somehow each incident took a piece out of me, and turned me into someone who was a bit jaded, and who thought more, and felt less. That was not my plan, but that is how life works sometimes, as each of us react to things differently, and our feelings change, and for some feelings wane, or disappear altogether. I have the good fortune, of being able to see things, and hear things in vivid color, as my world of music and being around people is rich in inspiration for me. I don't run out of ideas easily, because as life continues, and I get the opportunity to speak, and deal with people, my inspiration for ideas is always there.
I may not seem to feel to some, but I do, as I feel empathy for people who just want the regular things in life, and are trying, but just can't achieve them. I feel sorry for those that can't seem to identify with those people. Part of losing touch with ones self, is losing touch with the plight of others.
I feel heartbroken for those who watch a loved one dying, because it takes me back to a time when someone I loved greatly was leaving this earth slowly, and painfully, and I was helpless to stop it.
I feel absolute rage when I hear about child or animal abuse because to me those people are the lowest forms of bullies on the planet. Ones who don't have the balls to attack someone that can hurt them back.
I have a low tolerance for idiocy, and I feel dismissive towards people who make life hell, and chaotic for others, and I feel zero respect for people who use other people for their own agendas. I feel annoyed at people who blow hard, and believe they know it all, and who like to disagree just for the sake of confrontation.
But on the other end of the spectrum, I feel the happiest when I am creating, or playing good music. It makes me feel alive, and when I hear good music for the first time, there is a rush of excitement in me akin to seeing the Rockies for the first time. I feel love and appreciation towards many friends and family and extended families that I have been fortunate to be a part of. Everyone in my life that is still there, has has had some sort of influence, in my outlook, my behavior, or my thought process, and I thank all of them, and you who fit into that category for that.
Growing up an only child led me to the process of being a thinker, and searcher, and I can't turn that off. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel. I feel very strongly, and very clearly, and yes sometimes I am selfish with my feelings, because they are the only things that I own outright. I hold on to my feelings, as I do my hopes and dreams because if you give up your dreams, then you have given up altogether. I hope that everyone gets to feel the things that I have felt in life..Hope, Love, Heartbreak, Passion, Intense drive, and even the negative feelings such as Anger, Disappointment, Contempt, and even Hatred. It takes experiencing those feelings to make one understand them, and thus understand ones self. When one understands themselves, they can enjoy the journey, of trying to be a better person. That journey never ends if you know just what you are feeling. The person who feels, is the person who cares..And believe me I do. Maybe you will see more of that in these Blogs. I have shared lots of thoughts and lots of ideas with different people, and each one has made me think and feel, whether it appeared that way or not. The part of my processing ideas is taken up by search, discover and analyze..Maybe feel should be one of the first things that happens also.
After a harrowing adventure where Spock learned lessons about himself, and others around him, he told his Vulcan father to give his mother a message.."Tell Mother I feel fine."...I agree.
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